thelostfactor | Entries tagged with me

I noticed how some people got way too comfortable being openly xenophobic and how others got way too comfortable with tolerating and justifying this behavior.

It's "we are all humans and deserve to be treated as such" until it's about people from the country whose government you hate. It's "every culture is amazing and should be respected" until it's about a culture you're told to despise. It's "each language is important" until terrible people speak it.

I see how people thoughtlessly repeat slogans without understanding what they really stand for just because the internet told them it's right and everyone says it. I see how people label someone who even slightly disagrees with them as "evil" without even trying to listen. I see how people simplify awful, bloody wars they know literally nothing about to "these are good guys and these are bad guys" as if it's a TV show. And I see how "you're either with us, or against us" mindset sinks deeper into people's heads with each day.

The worst part? I don't have to mention any certain country this applies to. It can be applied everywhere, which is why I won't tag any.

Current Mood: angry

For a long time, on my profile picture was Dave Mustaine. I never really put much thought into it. It was there and that’s all that mattered. Better than having nothing. Now, instead of the Megadeth frontman (I was tired of that photo, not gonna lie), there’s some Soviet-style room with a guy sitting in the middle. It’s just a random photo I found on the internet a couple of years ago.

But what’s kind of sad is that this photo actually means something to me. I grew up in a room like that.
Only, in my room, in a flat in a typical Soviet panel house, there was a massive bookshelf left behind by the previous owner. It was filled with classics, most of the editions were over 30 and 40 years.
Opposite the shelf was a wardrobe, a desk, my bed… and my toys. I’m not a kid anymore, but I still love my toys. And my room — it was warm. I remember that. Even though it didn’t look exactly like the one in the photo, that image still fills me with a strange warmth and nostalgia.

But there’s one thing about it that breaks my heart. Every time I feel physically cold now, I mentally go back to my room. That’s probably the most painful memory.

The power was out. It was late February or maybe early March. It was cold. The same room where, just a year before, in 2021, I’d stayed up late listening to music, reading, finishing homework, and genuinely believing there would be no full-scale war. That room became freezing. So cold that my mom started using it like a fridge, since the actual refrigerator didn’t work without electricity.
I hid under a blanket, shivering. And when the sun went down, I’d stare at the candlelight and blow it out early, hoping it would last until the next night. All I wanted was to fall asleep quickly. Only the bombings kept my heart frozen.

I’ll never forget February 24, 2022.
At home.
In Kharkiv, Ukraine.

Current Mood: nostalgic

For a long time I've been posting on tumblr thing about Jewish culture, history, and (rarely) politics, so I'd sincerely like to avoid various misunderstandings, especially since I've started reading a few jumblr blogs (I like their content).

I’m not Jewish by birth and never tried to pretend I was. A very long time ago (definitely more than a year and a half, but I'm not sure) I began to take an interest in Jewish history, culture, and Judaism in general; it started because of a story I was writing (one of my minor characters was Jewish). I don't want to go into too much detail, to be honest, but some time ago (can't remember), I started thinking about conversion to Judaism.

Probably, some of you may have followed me thinking I was already Jewish. I'm sorry if I made you think that, but I'm not... or not yet. If you choose to stay with me, thank you. And if you decide to leave, I understand.

I just want to be honest with you. And I hope I was and still am seen as respectful (as a gentile) toward the Jewish people. I wish you all the best, and thank you for your attention.

I've seen a lot of people discussing the deaths of Kat and Bäumer (less often Müller), but I haven't seen anyone say a word about Haie's death; understandable, though, since Haie is a minor character, but still. And the fact that Paul was holding his hand... I think my soul is about to cry. As much as it did after Kemmerich's death. As much as it did after the whole 6th chapter, when only 32 people out of 150 returned.
Still, All Quiet on the Western Front is the best anti-war book, in my opinion. I can't speak for the movies since I haven't seen any, but the book definitely is (for it was written by a soldier). And I am very glad to be able to read this masterpiece in German (which is not my mother tongue, but I'm learning it intensively; which is also the reason I tag everything about AQOTWF as Im Westen nichts Neues).

Current Mood: depressed

All these very rare photos of celebrities with their families, children, and even screenshots of messages with someone which are posted by the fans just scare me. Are celebrities not human and don't deserve personal space? Is it so hard to respect a person's personal boundaries (yes, yes, celebrities included)?
It's not the fact that members of my favorite bands have their own lives that scares me. It's the fact that some fans post their idols' personal family photos on the internet, even though they don't know these people personally in real life (consequently, I doubt they have permission to post such things) and only love their art scares me.
Maybe I'm worrying too much about things I shouldn't be thinking about at all, maybe this whole post doesn't make sense, but I wanted to say that for a very long time.

Current Mood: disappointed

I don't think I can talk about that in Tumblr. However, I want to write about it.
I started to learn about Jewish culture, religion, language, names (a bit), and history (mostly 20th century and in Germany) for one of my OC being Jew. I read a lot of articles online, watched several YouTube videos, and visited museums and memorials dedicated to Jewish history, Holocaust, and WWII. Berlin's Holocaust Memorial, Führerbunker in Berlin, Bebelplatz in Berlin (a place where Nazis burnt books on May 1933), Oskar Schindler's Enamel factory in Kraków, and Jewish Museum in Prague were the ones I remembered the most.
Seeing antisemitism spreading again in the 21st century just makes me question: why? How come we never learnt anything from history? How come we forgot about tragic events that happened 80 years ago (even some people who survived 1940s are still alive)? How is it that a nation that has been hated by everyone for its entire history (special taxes for Jews, comparing people to dirt because of religion, ethnic murders, pogroms of Jewish homes and stores, and the bloodiest genocide ever) is being hated again due to the actions of a government of the country they don't even live in and may not even support (after all, not all Jews live in Israel and not everyone supports the war)?
It may sound controversial. However, my beliefs are that we are all people. Any form of hatred toward any group of people for something that doesn't hurt anyone (religion, nationality, etc) mustn't consider normal. Even if the government does crazy things and some people support it.

Current Mood: disappointed

Whatever the reasons for any war, massacres and other terrible things, whatever laws are passed in your country and so on, your humanity must remain in you. No matter what happens in the world, human morality should not change because of it.
And yes, you can't hate an entire nation because of the actions of their government or a certain organization. Hate someone for their actions, not for a factor that can't be changed.
I am on the side of people and peace first and foremost. May it sound childishly naive, but I choose to keep my humanity. No war is worth the lives lost and the tears of people (especially children).
We are all human beings, after all. It's awful that we forget that.

Hi everyone!
So... today was my birthday. I can freely say that now, I have much more responsibility than I got one or even two years ago. And I still don't feel like my age. I sometimes think I lost the 4 years of my life (11-15) doing nothing. I hadn't many friends, never went out for a long time, obeyed my parents, was having a ball all alone... However, I also studied art (by the way, I wrote my first fic when I was 12; it's awful, but there are some well-written scenes), listened to music, found some sciences I am interested at (linguistics), and, most importantly, got experience.
Yes, I'm learning how to live this life, just like everyone else: I make the same old mistakes, discover something new every day, open mind for the different views... I thank you all. For everything you have ever made to me. I love you all.
Thanks for attention.

Current Mood: grateful

Now, let me explain what I meant. 🤣
As it turned out, today we had a history test. The topic was Ancient Greece. I was astonished, but this was not the only issue... My friends said the test will include Alexander the Great and Hellenstic Greece; these were the topics which we never took in classes (also, our teacher didn't even say anything about them).
I didn't panic: I googled the lyrics of Iron Maiden's song "Alexander the Great" and, while reading, was checking every piece of information. And you know, this actually helped me. 🤣
Thanks for attention. 🤣

Current Music: Iron Maiden "Alexander the Great"

Current Mood: excited

WARNING: THIS POST HAS MANY SPOILERS FOR THE BOOK "THE SONG OF ACHILLES!"

To be honest, I knew this book existed since... 2021, I think? I saw literally all LGBTQ+ content makers recommending it in their "X books with gay representation" lists and telling it worth your attention. At first, I was skeptical about “The Song of Achilles” - I already had, to put it mildly, bad experience with LGBTQ+ literature since for that time, I had read around 8 books (one dilogy, one trilogy, comics, and a few stand-alone books) with gay representation, but I only liked 2 of them. Onky after a long time, I decided to give TSOA a chance. And I have no regrets.

Patroclus relives his memories since his birth. The further the story goes, the more he remembers: his family, Helen who chose Menelaus, dead friend, exile, meeting with Achilles, falling in love, first accidental kiss, Thetis, Achilles' mother, who hated him, their teacher Chiron, growing love for Achilleus, the begging of Trojan War, hiding his beloved from the war, coming to Troy, staying in the camp, saving Briseis, promise to his love, the best of all the Greeks, and Hector, his murderer... But his last thought is Achilles. His loved one learns about Patroclus' death and takes revenge, dying. And in the end, Thetis, staing on her son's grave, lets Patroclus go and see Achilles the underworld.
I loved the atmosphere of the book — it is immediately clear that Madeline Miller was interested in the book and the world she wrote about. I googled about characters and their relationships, and it's all true (maybe, except for Thetis hatred of Patroclus; I couldn't find the information about this). These are small details, but it's nice to see how autors pay attention to them. Romance between two main characters was amazing, and I took several notes. :)
And about the end... Even if I didn't cry physically, my soul was in hysterics. How that was beautifully written. How heartbreaking it was seeing Achilles lying down next to the dead body of his loved one, and Patroclus, who had no voice and body to help him, calm down and wipe away the tears. They met again in the underworld, and my soul couldn't calm down for a long time.
I read this book in 3-4 days. It's my only book which has no creases I accidentally made (this always happens to me when the book has thin bound), no pencil highlighting (because I loved everything there), no stickers... no one of these. My bookmark was a bill from the store where I bought "The Song of Achilles," and I never changed it. This book has no my trace. Perhaps there are only slightly yellowed pages from mine. And I still can't believe it's the end. 352 pages were not enough for me. Maybe one day I'll reread it again, but stretching out the pleasure. But... I loved it a lot and just couldn't put it down and stop. I'm excited, and I recommend "The Song to Achilles" to everyone. Just please... read it slower. :)

Current Mood: excited

TW: self-hate and many other bad things.

Well... in March, I got a writer's block. I swear, I had so many fanfiction ideas in my head, but neither of them was released and actually written, even though I had everything: plan, desire, passion, ideas... It just didn't go. But the worst of all was anxiety. "What if this is not realistic?" and "This is terrible." "Your readers are waiting!" and "Look, they forgot about you, and they love other authors more than you. You're not needed to anyone!" "Look, many authors are already writing their 50th fic. Why are you so lazy?" and "The world would be better without the piece of garbage like you." Nightmares about being hated and having to leave fanfiction world. Terrible scenes in my head. I lost my love for the fanfiction (and not only it — many other hobbies I loved were almost forgotten). A huge amount of terrible situations got me off track.
And I realized that this must NOT continue. I have many, many ideas. So I should implement them. At least one or two.
And maybe I'll change the language I'm writing (I used to write in two languages and then translate the remaining parts into one). I hope I'll be able to publish anything soon.

Current Mood: creative

Me (never fell in love with a person, never had been in a romantic relationship, and learned about romance from media): * searches for 100500 hours about a healthy and realistic romantic relationship, tries to figure out in his head how to build good and long-term relationships between characters, asks his friends who have at least once experienced romantic attraction to someone how it all works, and so on*
Also me: (Looks at the piece of text where one character blushes when their loved one comes in the room) What if this is unrealistic and too clichéd? (Looks at the piece where two characters who are together had an argument) Yes, this happens, but what if this is abusive? Yes, they will talk about this when they both calm down, but still... (Realized people would also love to read the story for 18+ scenes, and I have no idea how to write them since I have no experience in 18+ stuff, too) So, maybe one character will be asexual, why not? Some people have relationships without 18+... WHAT. IF. THIS. IS. NOT. REALISTIC!?

Sorry, I needed to say that. I'm really nervous about these things, and I wanted to express this somehow.

Current Mood: anxious

I felt how the days started to feel so long, and the years — short. It's hard to explain, but... I can't believe that 2018 has been gone for almost 6 years. Sometimes, I think that it's 2020, but it's already the end of 2023 (not even 2022). At the same time, one day feels like eternity. And I can't explain anything. It's just the feeling.

Current Mood: anxious
Current Music: Iron Maiden — "Wasted Years"

I found some people here who speak my native language. "Amazing!" I thought, but then I saw they were online more than almost a year ago. Well, at least I know that some Europeans use this site as well (at least they used to).

It's my 6th year of intensive English learning (oh, 6th already!?), but my Google search history is literally like this:
"s*ffocating and ch*king difference" (Had to censor these words in case they're banned here)
"trousers and pants which English"
"includes and contains which one to use"
"commas in English rules"
"semi-detached and detached houses"
And so on... But I'm actually glad to learn new things, even if it looks odd. (I think it certainly does. 🤣)

Current Music: Led Zeppelin "Dazed and Confused" (why not?)

This site reminds me of my first computer science lessons at my school: poorly optimized sites from the 2000s and early 2010s, incredibly old computers, and barely working computer mice... And it's not bad, you know, quite the contrary... Reminds me of times when after-school I, six or seven years old child, sat on a swing and swayed, thinking about my own.

Current Mood: nostalgic

Hi to everyone!
Out of experiment, I created this page. I'm still trying to understand how everything works there (I've just created this page). I hope I'll like it here...
Thanks for reading. :)