I have been writing stories for as long as I have been able to hold a pen or pencil. And I didn't realize it at the time, but my first forms of it were fanfiction.

I first became obsessed with The Legend of Zelda around 21 years ago; I was 4 years old and had played Wind Waker on my grandmother's GameCube. I was immediately enamoured with the bright cell shaded graphics, the fairytale-like story. And I would prattle on about the game to anyone who would listen when I was in kindergarten.

I had quickly learned to read and write as soon as I started kindergarten. I remember my parents teaching me the alphabet before I had actually started school. And the earliest memory I have of the first story I ever wrote was me in my grandmother's house writing a story on a piece of notebook paper about; you guessed it, Zelda.

I would try to write it in the style of a fairytale, beginning with "once upon a time…" But at the time, I hadn't actually read an entire fairytale, just heard people read it to me, so I wrote it as "once a fall a time…" as what it sounded like to me. I was really embarrassed when my grandmother corrected me on it; she was laughing because she thought it was so cute.

And I just kept writing these silly little scenarios with my favorite characters. I of course would always put myself in the story; when I was little, I would be a princess who was friends with Zelda (at one point, I remember making us sisters or cousins), when I was 8 or 9 and was getting into Star Wars, I would be a Jedi, and would somehow make those two universes merge.

The one story that I remember the most vividly was the one I had started writing when I was 11. My aunt had gotten me a Hannah Montana bookbag with 6 different college ruled notebooks for Christmas one year. She knew how much I loved to write, and would always encourage me to. And I remember being so excited. I had started a story in one of them that I had titled "Magical Moments" (I was horrible at coming up with titles). And I rambled for most of the story, but the "premise" I guess you could call it that was that I was chosen to become a warrior alongside all my favorite characters to fight all these villains of these different games and series who had all joined up to destroy the world (or something) and we had to stop them. Ganondorf, Zant, Odin, Voldemort, and Darth Sidious were all at the front line of the "evil" side.

I had established right away what the primary focus was; I remember writing about Zelda and Lenneth (from Valkyrie Profile) show up in my room one night and tell me I needed to come with them for training, and took me to a different dimension where everyone was staying in this compound and training for battle.

So, basically the premise of Super Smash Brothers. But I hadn't actually played that game around that time.

And for some reason, I put all of my friends and family into the story too? I don't know why because around this time, my home life was a nightmare and I wanted nothing more than to just disappear into the world of one of these games and never be seen again. I guess I was afraid of my parents finding the notebook and thinking that I hated them for writing a story where I was escaping to a different realm where they weren't present.

But I remember getting so excited to have free time to write this story. It was probably the closest thing I ever got to writing something with a plot around this time, despite the fact that it was a shameless self-insert and mishmash of everything I was obsessed with at the time. I would bring the notebook to school and let my best friend read over it, and she would laugh at all the funny parts. It introduced her to all the games and series I had been obsessed with at the time, and we enjoyed it so much, she started writing her own spin off of the story with the same characters as mine but added a bunch of characters from whatever anime she was obsessed with at the time.

And early memories like this made me more prolific with fanfiction than I was with anything else. The community and excitement even with just this one friend made me so excited and eager to go to school.

And it's not that I was incapable of writing anything original; I remember writing an original story with my own characters around this same time. But there was just something about loving a character so much, you wanted to explore them deeper, be closer to them. Give them a happily ever after if they were fucked over in the source material. It's something that followed me into adulthood.

And it's comforting to think that online fandom is a lot like what I had with my friend in the fifth grade, but more organized and…well, raunchy. The memories of sitting in a patch of grass at recess while we excitedly exchanged our stories and drawings brings back such a warm and happy feeling. It was the one thing I was looking forward to. Especially considering my mom pulled me out after fifth grade and homeschooled me from sixth grade and onwards.

And knowing now that my stories weren't signs of a deranged mind like my mom tried to make me believe but an entire culture that has flourished online makes me feel like I have found my home. I am sitting with a bunch of friends that I have made in this digital world and we're sharing the stories that we have poured our hearts and souls into. It's awakened my inner child that I spent my entire teenage years ashamed of and trying to lock away. And it's so freeing to take what I have learned in more "serious" creative writing projects and apply those to the worlds of my favorite games, books, and bands and create something for no other purpose but for the love of it and for other people to enjoy.

And it really feels like social media has tainted that child-like wonder in my 20s. Drained the joy out of creating for the sake of it. Which is why I'm glad I left Tumblr. There's no need to push one fic out after another, hoping that someone will like and reblog so it gets more attention, no more FOMO. I can create at my own pace now, and I actually create more without the stress of needing to share it immediately.

By being part of fandom, it feels like I am reliving that part of my childhood, but without the shame or fear of having my notebook found by a parent or being ridiculed for having a "wild" imagination. No. Here, it's celebrated. Here I can be the freak that I tried to suppress.

But now I'm a 25-year-old and not an 11-year-old. So I have the ability to do more damage.

And I'm ready for it.

I have recently been going down a YouTube rabbit hole of old gameplay videos, and my love for Final Fantasy and Valkyrie Profile has reignited itself in my heart. I immersed myself in the story of VP1 and VP2 for like three and a half hours… and it brought back so many memories as to how I fell in love with this style of game and was also my introduction to Norse mythology. Everything about it is just so… dream-like.

I had played Final Fantasy. X-2 was my first game; my grandmother had it on PS2, and I would be so eager to play it when I came over to her house. But something about Valkyrie Profile just… made me forget about Final Fantasy for several years? I can’t really explain it. I knew that both games had very similar gameplay, but I guess I just grew so emotionally attached to the Valkyries, and to Lucian, and then Alicia, Brahams, and Rufus. Even that creepy bastard Lezard found a way to crawl his way into my heart.

And then I got the opportunity to play Final Fantasy XV when I was 17, and my love was reignited like it never had been before.

I unfortunately have no idea where I have packed away my XBox so I cannot play that one myself. But I recently found a Switch bundle game of Final Fantasy X and X-2, that I bought a couple years back but never got around to playing (or even opening). So I might lose myself in X this weekend.

I find it funny that I never found out that X-2 was a sequel until many years later. I just saw my grandmother playing it, and thought it was so cool. I remember starting a new save file multiple times just so that I could dance and sing along to “Real Emotion.” I would fantasize about flying on an aircraft with my really hot girl friends while sphere hunting and wearing sexy clothes.

Also, did I mention this game might be the reason I’m bi?

I think what I loved so much about these games is the camaraderie among the player character and the other characters. I loved the idea of traveling through Midgard, or through the sky on an aircraft, or even something as simple as an actual road trip with friends to stop some great evil. I loved the idea of growing closer with these people, learning more about them, whether they’re your friends from childhood or some stranger you picked up along the way. And maaaybe one of those friends turns out to be a deranged necromancer who’s only been using you and your friends to create some separate reality so he can get with some goddess he’s been pining over for centuries. Makes the devastation feel even more painful!

And I know there were games like this with actual co-op controls where you could feel that same feeling of camaraderie among your friends (like Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles). But since friends was something I just never had growing up, and never had anyone to play these games with unless my brother was feeling up for it, it left room for me to all the more grow attached to these characters. Unlike games like Zelda, where you had to go the entire journey alone and isolated. And while Skyrim allowed for companions, there is a distinct feeling from traveling with your companion or spouse and an entire party of people. It’s just something that I can never get over in RPG games.

I’ve been wanting to try out InsaneJournal for the past couple of years but haven’t been able to get anyone on the InsaneJournal subreddit to respond to send me an invite code. After a year of no response, I decided to delete my Reddit account. But I’ve reached out to someone on LJ and joined Buzzly.art just so that I can ask for one from a user who claims to have a bunch of invite codes… but I have to wait 72 hours before I can post any art or even comments. I’m glad that I have found a new Deviantart alternative in the process though (I’m genuinely sick of them shoving AI slop in my face even after I’ve set my settings to leave that out of results).

I love Dreamwidth, and it will always be my “home” for blogging and fandom… when I left Tumblr, there wasn’t any question where I would go. But there’s something about having something from an era of the internet that was confined to PCs, before smartphones started sucking the joy out of everyone. DW did a great job with recreating that feel but it was still launched around the time smartphones were becoming more common… Everyone has left LJ for valid concerns about privacy since they have to comply with Russian law, but IJ just feels like I’m looking at some ancient civilization that managed to survive these past two decades and is still active. And the whole “asylum” theme is really creative; like there’s a whole community of people I can be insane about my interests with!

I know there are other alternatives like DeadJournal and Scribbld but I don’t see myself being as consistent on there as I would on here… so I’m not going to waste my time looking around for a code. Worst comes to worst, I might just have to buy an account on IJ. I’ve never spent money on a social account though and I’m not about to… so I’ll just wait for a response.